BeaUtifuLLy BrokeN

* LiGht ThE NiGht *

2008-09-16T20:47:21Z

As many of you know, I lost my Mum to Leukemia last year. Leukemia is a quick and vicious illness, it took a beautiful healthy woman and destroyed her life in just 10 short months. Leukemia affects both children and adults and research is helping doctors discover new treatments and maybe one day they will find a cure.

I donated 11/12" of my hair last fall when i chopped it off for locks of love. Well, it is fall time again so it is time to do something else for the cause! Claire and I are walking at the Light the Night walk at Lighthouse Park, New Haven on October 25th 2008. We are collecting donations for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. If you can spare anything at all (even a $1!!!) please go to our fundraising website and make a donation :)

www.active.com/donate/ltnmeride1/lindasgirls

If you live in the area and want to walk with us too please head to www.lightthenight.org for more information :) its free to register and you any support for this cause is great :)

ThanK-YoU tHAnk-YoU ThAnk-YoU

JeWelRy ShOw

2008-06-07T11:54:59Z

Today!

The CT Etsy team presents: Jewelry Spectacular featuring yours truly, StarryEyedPirate :)
Today Saturday June 7th 2008
Holiday Inn
North Haven CT
10-4

First 200 guests receive a free goody bag containing a piece of jewelry!!!!!!

Be there or be a monkey. wait. be there or be a loser. Monkeys are pretty rad.

Rach
xoxox

www.Starryeyedpirate.etsy.com

chaosandkisses @ 2007-11-07T23:37:00

2007-11-08T04:41:38Z

The painkillers make me sleep a lot and then i wake up for a bit and then i pass out again and in the meantime i have crazy dreams and nightmares. anyway. i just wanted to say that i don't feel good. and i wish i had somebody here to cuddle up with and take care of me. i miss being taken care of. i try and be a tough independant girl...but i'm not all the time and sometimes you just want to stop having to be tough and taking care of yourself and you just want to just snuggle up and forget about the world and school and how much your head hurts and have some boy making you feel all safe and protected and loved and yeah...

rachel + painkillers + not feeling good + being lonely = emo times ten.

my head is pounding. i'm outta school and work for two weeks. write getting punched in the head down as a bad thing on your to do list.

goodnight. sweetdreams.

muah

ouchy

2007-11-03T18:19:54Z

hello there I'm being a super hipster and posting from my iPhone haha I'm at Yale getting checked out because I have this pain in the back of my leg that feels muscular but I havnt done anything crazy to hurt it and it won't even stretch out so they want to scope it out and make sure its not a blood clot or anything serious so I'm spending this rainy Saturday sitting
in new haven at the health center yaaay. Apart from that things are good. I'm happier and feeling optimistic. Last night I went to see between the buried and me they were good it was a bit too scenester for my liking but I really liked one of the opening bands and there was an awesome photography book amongst the
merch that was called faces of straightedge so google it because it was awesome but its too much to type from here haha. Tonight is from autumn to ashes at toads place so that should be cooooool. Okay that is all for now xoxo

ThEre wiLL be no wHite flag abOve mY dooR....

2007-11-02T04:37:37Z

hi. hello. aloha. good evening. hi.

i am tired. and bored. and by myself sitting here. this will probably be a post of random nonsense so be prepared and turn back now if you don't want to hear it.

My pscyh proffessor calls me Brit as in britain or british and i kinda hate it because it sounds short for britney and that makes me think britney spears and that makes me think grossness all over the place. Anyway, for some reason he always likes to get the british vs american opinion on everything so there is myself and this guy in my class who is also from england so now he always has us both answer for britan. its amusing. im like an ambassador for england in my psych class except i dont get paid for it. I dont think anyone hears what we say because they are too busy listening to our accents instead of the actual words and ryan has a northern accent and mine is southern so that just confuses people even more. oh my. we did discuss the terrible quality of chocolate, the superiority of galaxy and how we cant get a bloody good cup of tea anywhere but making it ourselves with imported tea bags after class. I told him i'll bring him in some of my british supplies to hold him over until winter break when he goes home. i havn't been home in a long time.

thank god for red bull. i've resorted back to insomnia. not on purpose just sort of by habit. so now i sleep for maybe 5 hours a night max and spend the morning trying to wake up then drink red bull and water to get through the day. i get into these moods of listening to music and reading and talking too much and then its 4am and im still awake. it just sort of happens. i've been reading a ton lately. Nicola Kraus, Laurie Halse Anderson, Emma Mc Laughlin, Dorris Lesing, Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Lots of reading and then reading for class on top of that reading. oh me oh my. My mind will explode one of these days.

The gym was good last night. My 5pm client cancelled to go to a halloween party which means shes going to go out drinking which is a ton of calories and then bitch shes not making progress. Personal training takes a lot of patience i realized. I'm only with people for a few hours a week i can't babysit them or make sure they are eating right. Everyone else was fine, my arms ache from lifting 4 times over. Some people want you to do the sets with them so that means working out for four or five hours depending on how many people i have that night. I have killer bi's and tri's now though. No bingo wings here though so thats the plus of my job haha. I killed my abs too oh my. I can't lose anymore weight there will be nothing left! I drank a protein odwalla drink today to try and gain some weight back. I just burn it off so quickly i dunno. We didn't really acknowledge halloween at anytime fitness, no working out with a witch costume or anything like that thank god. haha. I got home at maybe 9 and the trick or treat counter was at..1. my street is not good for that at all.On the plus side i have a big bowl of candy :)

Halloween brings back lots of good memories....ohhhh mannnn....teehee long time ago :) good times

My iphone is great. I can check my email on the go, i can play music, i can look at maps and therefore fix my directionally challenged self...haha... i cannot recieve or send photos though and that is kinda lame but i can recieve them through email so i dunno...its a complex life i live...

blah lahhhh. like a lot. ergh it makes no sense and its ridiculous i know i know but something won't let me let up on it ever. never ever. its still the same as it was before it just doesn't change and i hate it and love it and hate it. i know its crazy i know. oh my goodness i realize that 99.9% of people reading this are like what is this girl talking about. dont worry your pretty faces about it if you don't know if you do then god help you because that means your part of the madness...haaaah

My imogen heap and feist addictions get worse everyday but luckily there are so many remixes out there that i get through the day with. My back hurts i need a massage badly. I need some pampering time. I'm trying not to block my accent ever now because you know what, if people dont know what im saying then screw them. its not that hard to translate. bassssssstards. hahahaha nonsense pure damn nonsense

between the buried and me tomorrow night yay. time to eat toast and talk to tony

byeeeeeeee

chaosandkisses @ 2007-10-30T21:01:00

2007-10-31T01:04:03Z

I, I still remember
How you looked
That afternoon
There was only you
You said it was just like a full moon
Blood beats faster in our veins
We left our trousers by the canal
And our fingers they almost touched

You should have asked me for it
I would have been brave
You should have asked me for it
How could I say no?
And our love could have soared
Over playgrounds and rooftops
Now every park bench screams your name
I kept your tie
I'd have gone wherever you wanted

And on that teacher's training day
We wrote our names on every train
Laughed at the people off to work
So monochrome and so lukewarm
And I could feel our days where becoming night
I could feel your heart beating across the grass
We should have run, I would go with you anywhere
I should have kissed you by the water

I still remember

chaosandkisses @ 2007-10-30T11:10:00

2007-10-30T15:28:50Z

So this weekend was umm i dunno, strange i guess. It was a bit all over the place is the best way i can describe it. Lots of ups and downs and things get more confusing by the day it seems. Lots of things seem so up in the air and a lot of the time i feel like i can do absolutely nothing about them. Theres a lot in my life that i have zero control over and i really hate that feeling. I'm being vague i know, but *i* know what i'm talking about.

I got to be a sexxxxxxxy model for Tony. You can see that here: http://tonyluong.net/news/fullnews.php?id=5 We got some coffee and chilled at starbucks for while it was nice to just sit and chit chat and rock out to feist remixes on the way home tee hee. I also got an iphone that i was super psyched on until i got it home and the home button didnt work so to get out of a call or a text or any application actually, you had to power it off so yesterday i had to take it to apple and say hey the home button doesnt work. Then i had to make an appointment for them to troubleshoot it (which i had already done with apple on the phone) only to stand there for an hour for them to declare "the home button doesnt work. thats what the problem is" and then replace the phone. So that was kinda annoying but who cares, i have a sweet phone and a feist remix for a ringtone so now i am cooler than cool..or something like that plus i can now compulsively check my site from anywhere and also watch goddess bunny on the go. erghh gross :)

Yesterday was claires bday. I am the best so i bought her a juicy couture kick ass red leather purse its gorgeous dahhhlings. I felt kinda sick all day so that was not so good. We went out to lunch with James because they tagged along to go to apple with me and then spent the day/evening playing guitar hero three and listening to music and basically being stationed at the computer.

School is getting boring. It takes a lot for me to be motivated to a. go there b. participate and c. do work Its end of semester antsyness i think but its super lame. I'm just over it.

Three sales this weekend on the site. woo for me. Starryeyedpirate rings and earrings will be available for purchase in a few weeks at a store location at evergreen whatsitcalled mall near buckland hills yayyyy. I also got cheesy seasonal promo postcards from vistaprint. They aren't bad, they are glossy finish and have a few pics of some items on there so just got to figure out the best way to distribute them. I only paid shipping ($4.99 for 100) so it was a steal of a freakin deal :)

chaosandkisses @ 2007-10-23T16:11:00

2007-10-23T20:10:29Z

Velveeta with the little teeny tiny shell pasta...omg i've rediscovered greatness hehe

BlackiNg OuT the RighT wAy haha

2007-10-23T01:38:33Z

So today was interesting. I was amused a lot of the day. I went to class. I took care of some top secret ninja mission business (aghhh!) and then trained clients 5pm-8pm.

So my first client is pretty out of shape but i push her pretty hard...today she blacked out while we were doing free weights. It was pretty awesome, i was watching her face counting her out and suddenley she went a nice shade of deathly white and her eyes rolled back so i go to catch her, avoid dumbbells falling on my feet and then bring her back around with a little gatorade to even up her sugar level and checking her pulse until she was better. So that was pretty awesome. I now have a reputation as a badass trainer instead of the nice english girl trainer :) I either scared people off or people want me to kick their asses too. haha. so fun i get paid to tortue people what is better than that?

Also i rocked out to feist all the way home from the gym. It was awesome. The end.

p.s i am so nervous.

Kickin it old skoooooooooool

2007-10-22T14:41:07Z

Part one: Who are you?

Full name: Rachel Jacqueline Spinks
Nickname: Rach, rachey, Bigrachey haha
Sex: Female
Age: 25....holy crap i'm old
Birthday: 27th May
Relationship status: single
Natural hair color: light brown with blondey bits
Present hair color: dark brown
Eye color: green/brown changes
Contacts: nope
Glasses: when im driving at night or at the movies or reading or trying to look intelligent
Weight: 114lbs of personal trainer strength and brutality
Height: 5’5
Pant size: either a 2 or a 4 depending on where i'm shopping. at jcrew i wear a 0
Shirt size: small
Shoe size: 8/8.5/9
Siblings?: yup
If yes, how many and names: 4 officially haha…Claire, Leigh, Lorraine, Karen
Parents names: Linda and Bryan
Homerown: Clinton
Birthplace: Cambridge, England
Current location and what are you doing: my room looking at old pictures, talking to tony and rocking out at 3am
Time: 2.57am
Date: October 22nd 2007
Music you are listening to right now: The Fray- Look After You
Tv?: late night/early morning informercials
Like surveys?: yup yup
Got milk?: white milk is icky, chocolate milk is a-okay

Part two: Tell me more

Typical outfit for you would be: Skinny jeans, tank top, big earrings, cute aa cardigan
Shoes: Black chucks/red ballet shoes/black pirate boots haha
How many pairs of shoes do you own: too many to even begin justifying that its okay to have that many

How many pairs do you actually wear: right now..black chucks,checkered vans, black boots, red ballet flats, patent black mary jane flats, hot pink ballet flats and asics sneakers when i'm personal training

Make-up?: eye liner, mascara, lip gloss....i'm a pretty minimal make up kinda girl unless its a special occasion then i may rock red lip gloss ohhh lah lah
How do you wear your hair: Well since its 11" shorter now i just blow dry it in a poofy bob with side swept in my face bangs. a little pomade and lots of hairspray does wonders for shorter hair haha
Tattoos and piercings?: ears pierced in normal place, left cartilage and belly button pierced and then tattoos on both wrists. Star and "Amor Vincit Omnia" on inside of left wrist, xXx and forever true on inside of right wrist
Accessories you wear regularly: ring on my left hand is there permanantly, black star earrings are a big fav and starryeyedpirate vintage button earrings haha of course
Coat: cute black jacket from the gap looks hot with hoodie underneath
Purse: Marc Jacobs london tote from boston or my i'm not a plastic bag purse from london
Wallet: black leather banana republic huge wallet
Occupation: Personal trainer/occasional retail slave/teacher in training
Dream occupation: monkey trainer, assasin ninja, professional shopper for myself though haha
Future plans: teach, more school, get phd, teach college, take pictures and run starryeyedpirate, paint more, travel, meet someone amazing, get married, live happily ever after
Where do you see yourself in 5 years: living with someone i love in a house or place of our own though it may be a humble abode it will be ours :) working a job i love, keeping fit and healthy
How about tommorow: class 1-1.50 and then i have personal training appointments from 5pm to 8pm
What underwear do you wear: little lace boy shorts are the way to go...sexy and practical :)
Computer: ibook that hates me and wants me to die and rot in hell
Car: 2007 vw gti with a sneezy turbo <3
Cd currently playing in your car: 6 cd changer...um...feist, new yellowcard,imogen heap,the fray,rise against, the cure
Cd in your cd player: Paramore-Riot
Do you workout: yup and i get paid to work other people out haha
Are you overweight: nope im super duper skinny and toned right now since its my damn job!!!
Do you like the way you look: still adjusting to short hair apart from that yeah i do i'm the healthiest and fittest ive ever been
If you could change anything what would you change: i'd have more of a butt haha but genetics only get you so far so i'll accept that i have boobs instead
How much has your appearance changed in the last 5 years: hmph, well i have shorter hair, more freckles, i'm more toned and a bit lighter but my hair is darker
How was highschool: hectic,fun,emotional, great
Do you go to school: yeaaaa
If yes, where: CCSU
Ever been in love: i've def loved but yea really just once... really truly madly head over heels, you drive me crazy kind of in loveness
Is it evil to share songs: no it's friendly
Regrets: a few things i would have done differently or said sooner
Color ink you write in: Black…Bic Atlantis or go home
Do you wear a watch: Not really, if i do it's my red marc jacobs watch
Do you like vegetables: i like mostly all of them especially asparagus and eggplant and zuchini hmmm

Part three: Name 5….

Bands you listen to: brand new, taking back sunday, rise against, paramore, bloc party, underoath, death cab for cutie

Songs you love: Favorites right now…
-The District Sleeps Alone Tonight- The Postal Service
-DMB # 41
-Who Makes You Feel- Dido
- Sia- Breathe
- Denali- French Mistake

Obsessions: coca cola, cadburys chocolate, sour patch kids, sia, imogen heap, freddy got fingered, etsy, starryeyedpirate
Weird habits you have: only being able to write with bic atlantic pens, clicking my knees before i hop into bed, checking the closet beffore bed
TV shows you enjoy: The Hills ( i know i know) design on a dime
Channels you watch: ehhh i dont watch too much tv...mtv, vh1,style network and hgtv because i'm a nerd like that
Favorite movies: Serendipity, Freddy Got Fingered, How to lose a guy in ten days, Liar Liar
CD’s that rock: oh dear..Death cab something about airplanes and forbidden love ep never gets old, dave matthews makes me feel like i'm in high school again and hellogoodbye puts a skip in my step
People you miss: i think you know who you are if i miss you, for some its been longer than others and i still miss you
Countries you would like to visit: Australia/New Zealand and Italy
People you have kissed today: Duke, Bonnie, Pacey hehe
Concert/Show you went to last: Ataris/These Green Eyes at the space in hamden this week
Last things you bought: Starbucks peppermint hot chocolate, gas, sweatpants
Last people who called you: straight from the cell phone: Tony, Cassie, Matt, PT client, Claire
Favorite foods: Veggie lasagne, mac and cheese, turkey burgers and anything buffalo chicken involved
Clothing stores you shop at: Urban outfitters, american apparel (online there isnt one near me!) nordstrom, gap/ae for basics
Part four: What do you think about….

Art: is essential
Prom: was a long time ago but amazing
Pasta: is most delicious and gives you enough carbs to run forever
Pizza: should be it's own food group ( i know thats not very personal trainer like)
Backstreet boys: are dead?
Britney Spears: will be dead soon at the rate shes going
Love: is hard to truly truly find and harder yet to forget about
Hot tubs: are a relaxing warm bundle of goodness
Beaches: are better in california <3
Snow: is not so much fun now i dont own a subaru
Friends: are there when you need love and laughter
Mice: hang out in my basement
Cars: get you $300 speeding tickets on route 9 :(
Politicians: lie a lot
Black: looks good at anytime with anything
Pink: needs black in the equation
Abercrombie: is terrible?
Boobs: are cool when you got them for free yaaay
Muscles: make you tough and lean and burn more calories
Teachers: are underrated
Lotion: makes your skin soft
Old people: pee themselves and its cool
Gloves: have a habit of running away from me
Fortune cookies: are the key to life
Monsters: hide under my bed/in my closet
Blood: makes me black the hell out
Music: is essential
School: keeps me occupied
Sex: should be fun and often haha
Reality shows: are lame but i still watch them and adore them
Japan: has more fun people
England: is where i'm from :)
Canada: is attatched to america
Alcohol: is icky and overrated and turns me off in .2 secs
Pot: hell no you lazy hippy
Clubs: are not my scene
Sororites/Fraternities: are weird
Avril Lavigne: still rocks out
Lazy boy recliners: on my to-buy list
Girls: are evil
Boys: are usually lame, a few exceptions
Girls who like girls: whatever tickles your pickle
Boys who like boys: and are cute and available should be introduced to my friend xavier who is also cute and available haha
Nail polish: freaks me out when its chipped
Religion: is good for people who can’t live without detailed direction
Candy: bad for your teeth but oh so delicious
Chocolate: is better in england
Meat: freaks me out when im cutting it up. i like chicken and fish thats about it
Surfing: is the best in cali
Soccer: is called football in england
Sweatshirts: are the essential piece of clothing in my closet
Cigarettes: are disgusting
Gas prices: piss me off because frosty takes premium gas
Diet soda: has too much icky artificial sweetner

Part five: This or that…

Coke or pepsi: coke
Cake or Cookies: hmm tough one..cake I think
Pop or Punk: punk
Girls or Boys: boys
Dogs or Cats: dogs
Wendys or Burger King: BK
Fries or Onion rings: onion rings...gotta have the zesty sauce too
Thongs or Bikinis: Bikinis
Boxers or Boxer Briefs: Boxer Briefs are hotttttttttttttttttt
Long hair or short hair: it has to be good hair how about that
Long nails or short nails: short and square
Baggy pants or tight pants: skinny jeans and skinny black dickies are where its at
Gangsta or Homie: um neither
Skater or Prep: sick skater sickness dude
Jock or Nerd: nerd
High school or college: ha debatable
Bath or shower: shower is quicker, Hot Bubble baths are sweet though
Yes or no: yes

Did you like this survey: yup I loooooove surveys
Shout outs to your girls: Cassie your a ho and i love you <3
Shout out to your boys: Tonnnnnnnnnnnny i love your flannel shirt/beanie combo its hottttt

What gOES ArouNd cOmeS AroUnd...

2007-10-22T14:37:52Z

I am single. again. hah.

I'll say this and this only and then i'm over it.

Some people are unfortunately a product of their environment. Their concept of right, wrong, desirable, immoral/moral and whatever else is shaped by the people they surround themselves and the environment you live in, so if all those things equate to being crappy then basically you are screwed for life. You can try and change someone, try and help them see that they *could* be more but you can't force them to be. And when they give up on themselves and drag you down in the process, nothing ends up well at all. If you want to have class and morals and a future you have to set boundaries. You can't straddle the line between an old life and a new life. You have to commit 100% in either direction. I hoped for at least some respect, dignity and at the very least honesty and unfortunately, someone who i thought pretty well has turned into nothing but a dissapointment leaving hurt feelings and a web of lies and deceit in the wake. I only hope that *you* learn from this but my fear is that it is easier to return to a lifestyle of not caring, not planning and screwing around than it is to change your life for the better. A life full of people who don't care beyond a late night screw and don't see beyond a welfare check is not really my plans for the future. You can do so much better if you wanted to. I'm not sure you want to though. I wish i had better words right now but you know exactly how i feel.

I wish you the very best. I hope you do wake up and realize the possibilities for life instead of accepting the cards dealt to you. I do care but i'm not going to keep caring and get crushed in the process. Also i'm a firm believer in what goes around comes around. Theres a huge part of me that knew a while ago this wasn't such a grand idea. And its hardly fair to stay with someone when your thinking about someone else...

Thats all i have to say about that.

SomeTimes It tAKes you To staNd back and Really ThiNk to See ThE TruTh

2007-07-16T02:48:25Z

I've driven round in circles for three hours
It was bound to happen that I'd end up at yours
I temporarily forgot there's better days to come
I thought that I would give it just one more chance

Cos' I want, tonight, what I've been waiting for
But I found, tonight, what I'd been warned about

You think that you are complicated, deep mystery to all
Well it's taken me a while to see, you're not so special
All energy no meaning, with a lot of words
So paper thin that one real feeling, could knock you down

And I've seen, tonight, what I'd been warned about
I'm gonna leave, tonight, before I change my mind

So see you when your 40, lost and all alone
being comforted by strangers you'll never need to know
not sad because you lost me
but sad because you thought it was cool to be sad

You think misery will make you stand apart from the crowd
well if you had walked past me today I wouldn't have picked you out
I wouldn't have picked you out

Now I've seen, tonight, how could I waste my time?
and I'll be on my way, and I won't be back
cos I've seen, tonight, what I've been warned about
your just a boy, not a man, and I'm not coming back

StarryEyedPIrate.Com update

2007-04-19T04:06:33Z

hello

just wanted to add that the site is all complete with checkout now so you can pay via paypal yay. just scroll to the bottom of the store page and click enter store and your'll be at the checkout area courtesy of etsy. superb. i added a few new purses and theres new earrings made of vintage buttons that will be on there shortly just havn't had the time to add them. hope all is well with everyone. xoxo

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=5783138 *new* hibiscus purse
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=5782985 *new* i scream for ice cream purse

wEbSiTe

2007-04-02T19:29:12Z

Hello all

Just a quick hi to say check out my new website. I'm selling the totes and jewelry that i make. It's totally cute and hand-made and not mass produced and the site is funny and well...you will like it. so go there and let me know what you think. loves xoxo

www.StarryEyedPirate.Com

chaosandkisses @ 2006-12-29T00:34:00

2006-12-29T05:34:27Z

hello

Things are both bleak and beautiful all at once and that is the hazy explanation for my lack of posting. It seems terribly tragic that only in the depths of despair that we are able to rise to this higher level of understanding where we are suddenly blessed with the ability to be grateful for what we have and to dismiss what we do not have. To take every single moment with someone you love and truly take a mental picture of something that would normally be so insignificant; a laugh, a look, a smile, a phrase or way of doing something- the list is seemingly endless. I have subsequently take a leave of absense from work to be home and be here for my mum and my family and take those mental pictures. Thank-you for all the love and support from well wishes to cards and hugs. It is truly amazing the stream of love that you don't see until it is right in your face. I guess that is the tragic part of the human mind. The ability to get so caught up in life and work and bills and what we are doing tomorrow, that we forget the value of today and of the little things and while i don't want to sound neither cliche nor like a preacher, i will leave you with this thought.

We never know what will happen tomorrow or to whom. It is never ever too late to tell someone that you love them, never too much to hug someone you havn't seen in a while or grab a coffee and catch up and never too late to make a new friend or call one you havn't talked to you in a while. It is never too late to tell people the truth about how you feel or what you really meant when you said what you said or did what you did. It is never too late to run that marathon, compete in a cheeseburger eating competition or whatever else that gets you excited. Most importantly it is truly never too late to go home and thank your parents for being on your case in high-school, going to your games in the rain, giving you a pep-talk before your first interview and making you eat when you were moping about a break-up. It's definetley never too late or too random a time to thank your mum for being your biggest fan and tell her how much you love her.

xoxo

chaosandkisses @ 2006-12-05T21:54:00

2006-12-06T02:54:05Z

baked potato pizza @ Illianos... add that to the list i'm starving.

chaosandkisses @ 2006-12-05T10:50:00

2006-12-05T15:50:54Z

Saturday: went to the mall with my brother, his wife and claire. All was well (apart from me feeling nauseous) until 5.30ish when they stopped off at sports authority. I decided to stay in the car since i don't feel so amazing and boom...my mouth feels up with blood. Not like a little bit...a lot and it wouldn't stop so there i am throwing up blood in the sports authority parking lot and trying to use my cell to get claire outside she comes out and is like omg so theres so much that they end up calling an ambulance and i get brought to yale er to have it cauterized to stop the bleeding. Totally gross and awful and i was hoping after that night i would be all set.

Sunday: Felt like crap and did nothing all day long. Still cannot eat and i feel my body craving food like it's eaten it's reserves and now it's like okay...not funny anymore feed me will you? So that feels terrible and i can't take my medication because my throat is so swollen from last night's episode plus taking it on an empty stomach doesn't seem like the best idea. So i lay on the sofa all day long trying to drink ice water but even that hurts. Eric comes over and joins me on the couch so we can both watch tv and be bums but it felt better to have him here and cuddle up and not feel so terrible. We took a trip to stop and shop to find foods i might be able to eat and returned with ice cream, yogurt and mac n' cheese. Too bad i couldn't even get the yogurt down it was too thick. So eric ate mcdonalds...i drooled over cheeseburgers and nuggets and then we returned to the couch to watch all types of ridiculous tv shows about building houses and decorating and then about window designers for macy's and bloomingdales at christmas.

Monday: Feel like hell. Get dressed because i have to bring leigh and kirsty to the hospital to see my mom. I can't drive because i'm so weak and shakey at this point so leigh drives and i mumble directions. My mom requested quizno's so we stopped in guilford. OMG. I order and the second i close my mouth i taste blood so i leave kirsty to collect it go to the bathroom and sure enough, said blood vessel is doing the same thing again. Super disgusting because it's not like when your tooth bleeds or something and it's watery...this is thick red warm gross blood. So i fill my mouth up with water and exit quiznos and then stand on the side of the building throwing up blood on the grass. It slows down a bit but im freaking out because it's a super scary situation and it's disgusting and as you know..i don't DO blood. SO now i'm in the car trying to direct to yale new haven and spitting up into paper towels. So we get there and it's slowed down for now but do i go to the er or do i go to yale health center to my doctor? So they go see my mom and i scope the er and it's going to be a three hour wait. The people monitoring the desk there are police officers and they are complete assholes. Major power tripping for some reason. So i sit next to some girl in a bright orange coat and i'm like this is ridiculous i can't wait three hours. So i run upstairs get the car keys and head over to yale health. I go to urgent care and the doctor who sees me there says "this is too serious for us over here you need to see the ear nose throat team in the er" so he calls ahead and they are waiting for me to get there but of course i get there and even with a note and a pre-call aforementioned police officers are assholes and say you can't just skip the line, dr's cant just call here and order teams ready...oh yeah? well apparantly they can because a nurse heard me and was like oh we are waiting for her! Hopped me onto a stretcher and back into the er i go where the ent peeps are waiting. Well after doing ten sets of vitals they get my laying down and sure enough the bleeding is bad and they are worried about blood loss etc so they cauterize it minus anaeasthetic because i'm allergic to lidocaine and it's the most HORRIBLE SEARING PAIN ever. I'm not gunna lie i cried. So they decide to stop half way through and give me twenty minutes since i'm shaking and a nice shade of white. They finish up eventually which was horrendous since i knew it was coming and how much it was going to hurt and then they hook up an IV in my right hand since there are already IV marks in my left hand and arm and proceed to give me 2 liters of saline since i was super dehydrated. They scope my throat again because i'm having trouble breathing and end up finding a huge blood clot which they remove and then i laid in the room kinda out of it for a few hours until they said i was ready to go. So i go home and feel a little bruised and sore but overall much better...dehydration is a bitch. I even ate half a bowl of mac and cheese and a spoon of ice cream which is a big accomplishment. The hospital confirmed i've lost 9lbs in a week which is totally gross
i def don't need to lose that much weight so the dr's said they want me to put at least half of that back on in the next week or so which...once i can eat without feeling like my throat is getting ripped apart...will be relatively easy for me since i love to eat :) 116lbs doesn't look good on my 5'5 self.

Tuesday: So far i've made some apple cinnamon oatmeal that smells delicious, kinda like fall actually, so i'm trying to eat as much of that as i can and drink down some iced water. I plan to spend the day being still and quiet since now i'm so scared of busting my throat back open. If it happens again it's back to surgery i go and i don't want to start this process all over again.

Apart from that..my christmas shopping is going well. Thanks to the beauty of the wireless laptop i have been able to shop from bed and just see the boxes brought into my room as they arrive. I'm also compiling a list of things i want to eat when i'm healed 100% so far the list looks like this:

loaded spuds
buffalo shrimp
grilled cheese
Sunday breakfast veggie omelette, wheat toast, home fries @ eric and i's breakfast spot
country turkey sandwich at pannera
chicken alfredo and garlic bread
Eric's yummy stuffed shells
10 mccy d's cheeseburgers
tetra chips
mexican food at the fun place in southington
buffalo chicken salad at chillis
cheesecake icecream with white choc chips, strawberries and graham cracker @ coldstone

...i'll continue to add to the list :)

horray for getting better

Tonsilectomy..the truth

2006-12-02T00:20:14Z

I'll start with this. I havn't really eaten (1 bowl of soup and about 8 popsicles) since monday at 7.30pm. My throat is so swollen it hurts like a bitch to even swallow water. I can't open my mouth wide enough to see my throat because it's so damn painful but if i shine a flashlight at my mouth and tip my head back a little i see the grossness in all it's glory. I am taking penicillin to protect against infection and try and subside the pain and also tylenol with codiene in liquid form which one dose and i'm out within 20 minutes.

The surgery itself was pretty horrible. I am super scared of needles and told this to the anaesthesiologist who was this loud, older man who didn't give a shit if i was scared or not and gave me lidocaine despite the red bracelet i'm wearing that says ALLERGY ALERT: NO LIDOCAINE he said lidocaine allergies were rare and he doubted i really had it and he was only giving me a few drops anyway....what a jerk.....red swollen arm in about 2 minutes. So anywho, he gave me the lidocaine to put an IV in my arm but after having me shaking and crying for probably 4 minutes while he tried to find a vein he gave up and said they would just gas me and then put an IV in my hand once i was asleep...HOLY SHIT WHY DIDN'T YOU DO THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE ASSHOLE?

So i got all robed up so my ass was hanging out the back of it even though i'm getting surgery on my throat...go figure. I get wheeled into the OR and they stick on the oxygen mask which soon starts smelling sickly sweet and i realize "hey this is the meds that are gunna knock you the hell out" so i took as many huge breaths as i could before my ears popped and everything got really loud and then i closed my eyes and that was that. I wake up in the recovery room feeling like someone is standing on my throat and punching me in the stomach. None of those things were happening of course i'm just half awake and in pain and theres three people saying "rachel, rachel, rachel" until i mumble a reply so they shush. The nurses gave me an ice pack around my neck and painkillers and stuff to counter the nauseating feeling that i was continuously feeling and after about 4 hours or so they took the IV out of my hand (which hurt like a bitch and gave me a huge bruise) and then i got dressed and wheelchaired to the valet parking station where i got put in the tribeca and driven home. That whole part from the IV removal to getting home is a big blur to me; I remember parts but not really in any kind of flowing order.

Claire played nurse the rest of the afternoon and then Eric took over. I basically spent the whole time in and out of sleep and whining the rest of the time. I can't talk because if i do it hurts like i dunno what...something that hurts a lot...and i will apparantly damage my vocal chords because my tonsils were so huge they were pushing on them at some point and thats bad.

Let me tell you the pain that soon starts. OMG. I think it might have hurt more than my back surgery (or maybe cuz i was on stronger drugs from that surgery) but it hurts and not being able to drink without excrutiating pain is the worst thing ever. As i have stated many times before i'm a giant fat girl on the inside and little on the outside. I eat like it's my job and i truly enjoy eating. This sucks. I ate half a bowl of soup with eric yesterday and it was tomato and it felt like it was burning my throat...not temperature wise but more like the acidic effect of tomatos in general. Yesterday i had a dr's appointment so i drove to yale with my bro and kirsty then to see my mom and then home and that was not the best idea i've had. I know why they said not to do anything for 5 days. I felt like hell when i got home...super nauseated and such. So i slept most of the day and then watched cheesy afternoon tv. Eric came over later and more of the me sleeping on him and me whining. He's great though i couldn't put up with me :)

So today i slept slept slept slept and slept more. I woke up properly at 4 showered and then realized i probably feel like i'm dying because of lack of food. So i just super overcooked some mac and cheese to a soggie gross point and then shoveled a couple of spoonfuls down before the pain was too much to take anymore. So since monday i've had probably one bowl of soup and about 3 spoons of soggie mac and cheese. Gross. Who knew the luxury of being able to swallow your food and sippies without death pain. I HATE IT.

So now i'ts friday night and instead of being with my beau i'm home in sweats feeling like shit. I'm pretty miserable and i'm starting to wonder how long this is going to last before it starts feeling better. Worst pain ever :(

Help me :(

* Goodbye tonsils *

2006-11-28T03:51:57Z

I have a shocking announcement...

At 24 years of age my tonsils and i are splitting up. It's been a long relationship but after careful consideration our relationship just isn't healthy anymore. We fight and they swell, they try to stop me from breathing in the middle of the night and sometimes just for the hell of it they get super huge and force me to go to the er. Well tonsils...it's been 24 years of ups and downs but alas, it is time for us to part. Farewell. It's going to be painful without you (two weeks i hear) but after that i'll get back to life without you....

Tomorow i get them out and i am SO FREAKING SCARED. Everything i read online says once you hit adulthood and get them out it's hell on earth. Healing time is two weeks to a month and apparantly the first two weeks are absolutely terrible :( As if i don't hate hospitals and needles and such enough...ugh i am so so so scared. I hate being in pain and i hate waking up in the recovery room feeling like the world is sitting on your head and projectile vomiting...cuz thats what happened when i got my back surgery. So i am dreading it quite a lot. I have the next two weeks off of work, paid nontheless which is nice. If only it was a nice relaxing vacation instead of surgery. I could do with a weekend back in cali i think.

So Xavier is bringing me to surgery and hanging out there and helping my sorry self home afterwards until claire gets home from school and they switch out duties until eric gets here from work. I know i'm going to need painkillers but all the ones i had before made me so so so sick and weird feeling. i do NOT get why people do drugs at all, one percoset and i was feeling like i was falling off a building backwards with my head floating on a string and then throwing up shortly afterwards and people...it did NOT feel good. To voluntarily do that to oneself...who knows..not me. sXe through and through :) I will certainly do my best to avoid taking anything not needed but if i'm in super pain then...well you gotta do what ya gotta do...

So there will be more updates than usual in the next two weeks since ill be stationed on the sofa with my laptop and the tv in easy reach and i will relate the truth about getting your tonsils out at 24. Visitors are welcome just come armed with juice and/or popsicles :) Extra points for handmade get well cards especially for ones with pictures of cartoon tonsil people...i just came up with that hahahaha.

Sweetdreams.

xoxo

chaosandkisses @ 2006-11-12T21:24:00

2006-11-13T02:24:51Z

This weekend was fun. I hate that it's sunday and therefore tomorrow is monday BUT the weekend was nice so i can't complain.

Friday night i went straight to eric's after work and we went out to dinner and then hung out the rest of the evening and i stayed up in meridenville. Saturday we did some errands (tried to) and then went to dhl to ship out the super heavy transmission and then dunkin donuts for some fuel and then c-town where we went to my house and watched tv and lazed around. We went to the british shop in madison for some cultural education ( we ate yummy british candy and chocolate) then went back to being lazy at my house for the rest of the day and evening. We headed back to eric's a bit later and chit chatted with his parentals for a bit then went to sleep. We got up late this morning and did our sunday ritual of breakfast (veggie omelettes and toast every week without fail- awesome) and then returned to my house for eric to work on his car and me to go to the hospital to visit my mom with clairesabelle. Shes doing a lot better so that was good :) Then when claire and I got back to my house, eric made yummy dinner for my fam and it was soooooooo good that now i'm going to make him cook all the time. It was sooo nice of him and i'm going to bring some up to my mom tomorrow at the hospital since shes not a huge fan of hospital food and it's delicious. We capped the evening off by watching one of the best movies ever..wizard of oz. I'm disturbed by the hanging midget in the background of that one scene but the rest of it is wonderful. Witches, Ruby slippers, flying monkeys and good sing-a-long songs..what more could you want?

chaosandkisses @ 2006-11-08T22:51:00

2006-11-09T03:51:10Z

I don't have any time to post or sleep or breathe. So i'll make this short and random.

Things i hate:
- puddles when your wearing work clothes
- wearing suits everyday
- living 45 minutes from my bf
- traffic on 95 and 91 en route to north haven
- mondays

things i love:
- eric papallo
- my puppies
- ice cream
- working out with clairesabelle
- starbucks
- multi-grain bagels
- yogurt
- screamo
- puddle jumping in welly boots
- my red ballet shoes
- monkeys
-pirates
- happy stuff
- tea

that is it for now.

chaosandkisses @ 2006-10-29T20:32:00

2006-10-30T01:41:27Z

Hello hello hello

Quick update: work at the bank is great. It's relatively easy, respectable and everyone is super nice. I get paid well BUT i can confirm that i will not be able to work the 9-5 office job deal forever. Everyday i have to remind myself that this is a stepping stone to get me elsewhere but part of me feels crappy for wasting time behind a desk.

My mom had to go back into hospital and is starting chemo again. It's super stressful but the support and well wishes from everyone really helps and she is doing well. Send good vibes her way :)

Last week was hectic. I felt like i was either at work or sleeping and there isn't much inbetween. Eric and I are doing our best to find some point in the day to see each other and it's tough sometimes but we are continuing to make it work. We had fun last week going to carl's show at the space in hamden. It was super fun and laid back and totally my scene haha. It was nice to do something together. Jay cyr came out too and videoed so that was cool and carl was really great. You can't help but feel happy listening to his music. Friday night eric came to clinton and we just had a lazy night infront of the tv and saturday i worked in the morning then met eric for some b'day shopping for bear (it's her birthday today!! 22 omg!) then we met tony at taco bell: consumed some delicious junk food and hung out with carl for a bit then headed back to eric's for dinner with his fam and then cuddle-fest 2006 infront of the tv...love it :)

Today was claire's birthday so this morning she opened presents and such and then we went to the circus where i got to use my new camera (ill post pics at a later date) which was fun. We went to dinner tonight at cafe allegre in madison which was yummy but now i'm feeling like a tired and full up girl haha. I just threw in laundry for work clothes and im attempting to organize my room a little. I still didn't start my project or the website..i really gotta find time for that stuff. OH and i paid up my car loan so now i own it woooooo...time for a new car..still deciding what.

Tommorow: work-meet eric for ashley's soccer game-heroes and then bed. yay for bed.

smooches xoxo

chaosandkisses @ 2006-10-17T19:32:00

2006-10-17T23:45:35Z

I bought these sweet slip-on etnies about a week ago: I bought them because they are old man shoes and theres nothing more i love than old man-esque or ugly shoes a* So not only did i discover that they are infact the best old man shoes ever BUT super comfy too. They look really cute with skinny jeans and you don't even have to bother tying laces. What gets better than that? Oh yea.. a second pair i bought today...in black and white houndstooth! b*

a*b*

So now i have two pairs and i am a very happy girl. Except for one thing...i realized they make them in brown corduroy too..

uh oh...

In other news im a little under the weather. I think it's just trying to learn everything at work and getting a little stressed about it combined with being tired so i had to skip out on seeing my wonderful boy tonight (carl borrowed him instead) so i could stay home and relax and go to bed early and be bouncing around back to my normal self tommorow...maybe the shoes will help?

* FoRgive mE worlD for my TempOrary Bad TasTe*

2006-10-17T02:42:13Z

okay fine i admit it. I'm not ashamed. Not only did i watch making the band all season but today i finally broke down and bought the danity kane cd. Are you happy now? Are you happy with yourself for forcing me to confess? I hope you sleep better at night. I hope you drive by me while i'm singing my little heart out to the ghetto fabulous p-diddy produced tunes AND not only do i sing along I LIKE IT. Just to celebrate i'm going to go put tight jeans on and giant hoop earrings in and shake my ass...or go to bed.... REGARDLESS....I'M NOT ASHAMED!!!!!!!!!! ADMIT YOU LIKE IT TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

...i'm so glad i got that off of my chest.

chaosandkisses @ 2006-10-15T21:10:00

2006-10-16T01:43:09Z

First of i would highly recommend this song i am currently listening to. For some reason this is one of those songs i listen to and get that weird super-alert-super-connected-shivery-i need to listen to this over and over-feeling listening to it...i don't know why..i just do hah...anyway...

I have been slacking on the posting scene. My life is non-stop chaotic to-do lists lately and i keep forgetting to come back to my free therapy aka live journal haha so.. a quick recap..or not so quick knowing me...

Work is good. Superb infact. I'm starting to make my office my own as i get to actually settle into it a little bit at a time. I'm between offices right now, One day i'm in New London (new hell-don as i like to refer to it, do not put it on your "to-visit" list, the only thing it's good for is the el n gee) then Middletown and then back to my home base in North Haven. I have another week of training for mortgages and loans and then i'll be all set for now. I feel like i have learnt so much in these past few weeks it's overwhelming to a point and when your dealing with people's money you can't mess up. I have taken so many notes and i have all my training binders in my office, i think it's a matter of getting hands on now. It's funny to be sitting in my office all by myself and be looking at business cards with my name on it and appointment calenders and such...so weird. I feel like i got thrown into the 'REAL WORLD' and it's good it really is i make great money and they will be paying $5000 a year towards grad school so thats excellent but i still have that impending doom feeling in the back of my mind... how to explain..

i guess i don't want to get sucked into working that kind of job forever. I almost feel like a fake sitting there being all super official and responsible in a suit and preparing legal papers for mortgages and going to meetings and this and that. It's that whole 9-5 office job that i've spent forever saying i could never work and here i am doing it. I'm a jeans and tee shirt, urban outfitters wearing, puddle jumping, emo-screamo-indie listening ice cream addict at heart and i feel like working this job im living this whole day not being me. Im sitting there in high heeled pumps longing for my chucks. I guess part of me feels like i'm betraying the real me. It's hard to explain. I hope you get what i'm trying to say. I guess i need to keep in mind that this is a means to be doing what i truly want to do in the future: a stepping stone. A way of saving a decent amount of money and working sociable hours and some edu assistance in the meantime....aghhh

Onward...

Eric and I celebrated our 6 month anni on Friday (awwwwwwh) and he was really super sweet and took me out for yummy greek food at Zorbas and got me a huge amount of yummy bath and bodyworks fall scented stuff. Everything smells like cinnamon and warm vanilla and pumpkin spice...it's tempting to eat it minus the whole soap aspect...and he got me a really cute teddy bear too awwwwwwwwwh im so emo... It's hard to believe that 6 months has flown by. I guess time really does fly when your having fun. I am continually amazed at how great and easy and enjoyable our relationship is. I laugh all the time and we all know that i'm a funny-laugh-alot girl so thats great. I can't stress more about how great it is to totally be able to be myself. Ive impressed myself that ive got to that stage where im like okay this is me like it or not and eric is like yeah i love it keep being dumb and singing funny little made up songs and being a book worm and dressing comfy..thats what i like about you. I don't have to compromise a thing. Theres noone telling me who i should be or who i'm not. Just someone cheering for my side. Superb. So things are great and i am happy. I love you Mr P :)

I have to stop being a brat about working an office job and realize that it's a good opp. to move forward toward what i actually want to do. I need to get on that. Eric and i spent the weekend together with the only interruption being me working at jcrew for 5 hours (to keep my discount) it's kinda cool i dont feel like im working there i just sort of catch up on the gossip and buy work clothes and hang out and get paid for it...haha

I am tired and i feel asleep on the sofa earlier and i woke up with the worst achey neck ever so i think its hot shower/advil/bed time for me. New London tommorow...oh joy...

i need to go to a show and jump around like a 15 yr old fall out boy fan on too much caffiene. anyone good coming around anytime soon???

p.s thank-you to hoover for my poem about "fupas" that she left me today. you are truly talented :)

*BeaUtifuLLy BrokeN*